The Truthfulness Project

As we get older, as our lives become more complicated and layered with friends, family, children, work, homes, it becomes easier and easier to stop telling the truth. Many of us turn to blogging in order to find and express our true selves in a way we are too afraid to venture in real life. The smiles and weather-discussing and mama-shop-talk are no substitute for deeper relating, even with our spouses, those we are supposed to be closest to in the whole world.

And that’s the crux of the issue: As we grow older, as I’ve gotten older, my list of ways I’m supposed to be seem farther and farther away from what I truly am. This disconnect, between the inner and outer person grows into a dead zone, a covering up of the passionate heart, the filming over of dreams and zest for life. Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

For some, the moment of truth – the realization that one’s life is becoming an out-of-body experience – comes during the 23rd hour of work on the 7th day of the week. For others, when they realize their family is not their family after all, but a poor substitute… something less than they deserve. Still others, fight the inner fight truly and deeply and face inexplicable sorrows along the way.

When other bloggers are honest about their struggles and self-doubts, it always strikes me as so beautiful, so courageous, so heartening. But isn’t it funny how we can pour out love on others and leave only a small pittance for ourselves? Deep breath. Here goes:

My Truths:

1. I focus on my children so that I don’t have to focus on my faltering marriage and on my less than super-mental health.

2. I sometimes drink too much in order to vault myself to another space — one less rife with self-doubts and haunting questions about love and fidelity.

3. I neglect self-care in order to make sure I work hard enough so that my children will have what they need. I’m an outspoken advocate for my women friends getting what they need, but often do absolutely nothing to care for myself.

5. I am loved deeply and needed by many people, but I do not have a significant relationship in which I feel truly understood and in which I feel free to speak my mind.

6. I dream of having a happier lust-filled primary relationship and I’m petrified I might not be able to get there from here.

If buying a camaro, growing a mullet, and getting a young girlfriend is a male version of a midlife crisis (cartoonish but still), what is a woman’s version? Angst and 1pm glasses of wine? Seems like a rip-off to me. I’m going to have to do something about that…



1 Response to “The Truthfulness Project”

  1. September 1, 2007 at 10:15 pm

    Rachael, Do you know how many women can’t even pinpoint what is wrong? I know it sounds cliche but knowing what you want and need makes you closer to figuring out how to get it. I don’t know what brought you these realizations, if it was a trickle or a fucking brick to the head, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not easy to get from any here to any there — I would say (because you asked, NOT) that you have to pick apart these problems and issues and find one teensy tiny place to make a change. And if you can’t do it alone, get help doing it. It’s never too late to find your way – and your path may change a million times along the way. After too many trials and tribulations my mantra became ‘you only get one trip around the block.’ There are no do-overs, no trackbacks in real life.

    Go for it. You are farther along than you think.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: