South Bitch Diet


For many of us, the difference between “curvy” and “chubby” is open to interpretation (and rather dependent on the beer goggles of the admirer). Enter the South Beach Diet. It’s healthy! And low in carbs! And fun! Veggies! At! Every! Meal!

So far, quite a contrast to the diet I have been eating (Carbs! At! Every! Meal! Wine!), and so I suppose it’s not surprising that I’m a little… well.. South Bitchy lately. I mean, do you feel me on this, sisters and brothers?

WTF does one eat vegetables at BREAKFAST for? Isn’t that sort of bad for the human spirit or something?

My usual fare (peanut butter toast, coffee, swearing, sugar sugar) makes me feel good on the INSIDE. This tomato juice and egg white omelet routine just makes me want to run around the house yelling “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Down with the man!”

Alas, I fear roller derby isn’t enough to get me back to goddess status, so I’ll stick with the FSB* for now. And I’ll be honest. I need to look hot for my trip to Atlanta…. Why you ask? Gold lame, baby. Gold. Lame.

*Fucking South Beach


29 Responses to “South Bitch Diet”

  1. 1 karrie
    March 22, 2007 at 3:50 am

    South Bitch worked well for me the first time–I call it that too. I got really sick of eggs.

  2. 2 mama featheren
    March 22, 2007 at 8:44 am

    ALL these diets suck – ESAPECIALLY for women! And, after trying appx. 20 years of trying different ones (oh yes, I started young!) I’ve found none really work.

    Try to be healthy, as much as possible. Really, that’s all any of us can promise to do for ourselves. Vegetables in the morning sounds DISGUSTING!

    Please, I beg of you, do not go gently into that good night! Rage, rage against the idea this way is right! (thank you, D.T.)

    Drink your wine and run around with your beautiful children! I think if you stock the fridge with healthy foods THAT ARE YUMMY TO YOU, and then continue on with a frantic, but fantastic life, all will take care of itself.

    And yes, I admittedly am still in post-baby size 16 jeans trying to live frantically down to a 12, but I refuse to give up a glass of wine at dinner to do it.

    Life is too short for veggies in the morning.

  3. March 22, 2007 at 9:03 am

    a tomato juice and egg white omelet OMG how can you get that down your throat? You need that Gag-No-More spray from that sex toy party. Good luck with the diet you roller goddess.

  4. March 22, 2007 at 10:10 am

    calm down, calm down. jaffa cakes count as one of your 5 servings of fruit and veg, and popcorn is definitely a vegetable. ok?

  5. March 22, 2007 at 11:04 am

    Yeah. [Nods head]

    I can’t think of anything to say but yeah.

  6. 6 PunditMom
    March 22, 2007 at 11:33 am

    I’m with OTJ. How can I deal with any diet that says I can’t have wine??

  7. 7 Mel
    March 22, 2007 at 11:54 am

    Okay, gold lame you want? You have got to check out the American Apparel gold leggings that I’m currently coveting (blogged ’em last week.) I’m thinking maybe with a stretchy dress and flats.

  8. March 22, 2007 at 12:20 pm

    Honey, there’s got to be a better way than this madness of which you speak.

    We discuss this and other things when you get here…


  9. March 22, 2007 at 1:43 pm

    I feel your pain. I’m heading into week three of no carbs. For me, the only way that works is to go cold turkey on breads, pasta, and sugar. The only exception I’m making is the occasional glass of wine or drinks with Jay at Happy Hour (for which we both atone with an ass-crunching couple-miles uphill walk to, uh, the next bar).

    Once I get my body into ketosis and burning faster, I don’t really crave the carbs, but I know that if I eat one bagel or one cookie, I’ll fall off that wagon. Carbs are like heroin for me, too addictive to mess with. But my body looks and feels so much better when I’m off them, and I’m just about to be able to wiggle my ass into the next jeans size down — 13/14, just couple sizes above where I want to end up, so I’m sticking it out, dammit. Good luck with South Beach, but don’t deprive yourself of that wine. You have three kids, you deserve it.

  10. March 22, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    That picture? She looks like she could stand to eat many, many pieces of pizza and still weigh less than “us.”

  11. March 22, 2007 at 6:19 pm

    You should do what I do…I’m on two different diets, because I just don’t get enough food on one.

  12. March 22, 2007 at 7:46 pm

    I’m snorting my calorie-laden soda out my poor nose at the image of me trying to joke back tomato juice and eggwhites first thing in the morning.

    Someone would surely die if I had to endure that hell.

    I’ll just remain curvy.

    It’s safer that way.

  13. March 22, 2007 at 7:47 pm

    oh, yes, I also turn super bitchy when deprived of carbs. Ugh I don’t even like thinking about it. Good luck! I ate a lot of these for breakfast: http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com/2006/10/egg-muffins-revisited-again.html

  14. March 23, 2007 at 5:08 am

    I started Weight Watchers about a month ago and I freaking LOVE it! The counting thing can suck, but…. Wine! Beer! Carbs!! I can have them all and I’ve STILL lost 14 lbs. LOVE WEIGHT WATCHERS.

    Good luck on the diet!!!!!!!!!!

  15. March 23, 2007 at 7:31 am

    Amen sister. But I’m just about to go back on it. I freakin love carbs, but they love to hang out on all these spots on my body that aren’t conducive to fitting through tight spaces.

    I’ll rage with you!!

  16. March 23, 2007 at 12:29 pm

    What’s a diet?

    I like to swear at breakfast too!

  17. March 23, 2007 at 12:53 pm

    Breakfast is the WORST on South Beach…I know I did it for 2 YEARS.

    Good luck?

  18. March 23, 2007 at 1:05 pm

    How funny. Here I was smiling as I read the comments about South Beach (which I LOVE) and I see someone has put a link to my egg muffins. I lost over 40 pounds on SB and have kept it off for nearly three years now. I recommend using the SB principles to devise your own eating plan, based on your own food preferences. I don’t eat vegetables for breakfast at all for example. There’s plenty of really good tasting food that fits with the South Beach requirements.

    And BTW, you can have alcohol, just not for phase one. (No beer though. That’s why they call it a beer gut.)

  19. March 23, 2007 at 2:38 pm

    South Beach turned me into a total South Bitch too. By the end of day two I was sobbing hysterically as my husband tried to force feed me some bread.

    Yeah, I ate it. Screw south beach!

  20. March 23, 2007 at 8:15 pm

    I hear ya, but screw south beach. I firmly believe the theory that leaving 1/3 of your plate shrinks the stomach and reduces the calorie intake. So what if that meal is pure chocolate and chips with extra cheese. Just eat two thirds and you are as good as gold. Even gold lame!

  21. 21 PunditMom
    March 25, 2007 at 9:21 am

    And that’s a great drawing … a new career creeping up on you perhaps?? 😉

  22. March 26, 2007 at 2:42 pm

    Yeah, the South Beach doesn’t sound very fun.

    But it’s probably easier on your digestive tract than my TABASCO DIET! I run around screaming, “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” for whole other reasons….

  23. March 26, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    Well, that sounds just awful. I’m not good at diets where I feel like I’m punishing myself. Just makes me want to eat more chocolate on the backend. But I’m not a pillar of willpower! Good luck sister–visualized you in the lame!

  24. March 26, 2007 at 9:32 pm

    Lord. I lost oodles on Atkins. Like 30lbs in a month. Of course my breathe was rank from Ketosis but like 2-3 pounds A DAY fell off my ass. So why is it that every night I lie down and promise to do Atkins the next day. And every morning I eat a big bowl of cereal?

  25. 25 Lteefaw
    March 27, 2007 at 10:28 am

    The whole diet thing is very depressing. That was until recently when I was trying on swimwear at Target and I realized I looked like my mother. Oh shit. South Diet here I came.

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