31
Dec
06

Standing Up for Change

I really hate those ostensibly humorous articles in parenting magazines that purport to list all the ways your life changes when you become a mom. You know the ones: Your purse/car/ass gets bigger; your libido/ability to sleep/boobs get smaller, ha ha ha. Aside from being totally trite, these pronouncements are quite often not even true. (My ass would beg to differ, but that’s, um, behind the point.)

So I’m not going to talk about the ways that motherhood has changed me. I’m going to talk about the changes we experience over and over and over for the first, oh, three to four years of
hair, with sumptuous buffet of Veggie Booty, Craisins and pretzels on table; or on top of dryer, the better to view backyard neighbors’ garish holiday lights through laundry room window. (Not recommended: In front of sister’s dollhouse, lest the dining room rug meet an unfortunate end.)

Step 3. Wrap one arm firmly around baby’s chest to keep him in position. Use other hand to unsnap onesie. Tuck dangly end of onesie over back of shirt collar to secure—or in a pinch, use your teeth.

Step 4. Now go! Remove old diaper, place far out of child’s reach. Quickly clean him up. Replace with clean diaper. If necessary, let fidgeting child scamper about in unsnapped onesie and bare legs for a few minutes while you dispose of old diaper.

Step 5. Dream wistfully of potty-training.

Actually, don’t. I’d rather change two dozen poopy diapers a day than deal with the seemingly endless process that is “toilet learning.” Drop everything when that little voice pipes up with “I needa go potty”? Constantly carry 3 pairs of Buzz Lightyear underpants and a plastic bag in my purse? Clean up after a little boy who can’t aim? Please, pass the Pampers.

*****

Mayberry Mom lives, works, and writes in the Midwest with one toilet-trained preschooler, one diaper-dependent toddler, one housebroken dog, and one husband who always puts the seat down. This post’s theme inspired by Jamie.


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This post is part of January’s Blog Exchange. To see a full list of participants, go here.

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12 Responses to “Standing Up for Change”


  1. January 1, 2007 at 9:18 am

    You don’t realize how awesome it is to just wipe the ass of a laying down toddler than it is to clean shit off the floor and underpants until… well… you have to do that.

  2. January 1, 2007 at 9:48 am

    Ah…toilet training. Not looking forward to the days when Avery decides to ascend the throne again.

  3. January 1, 2007 at 10:12 am

    I thought I would go crazy 3 years ago when my twin sons finally “worked” on the potty. Five days, over Thanksgiving, of running up and down the stairs to our only bathroom. Never-ending laundry. It was painful. But then, after 5 days, it was done.

    However, Pampers are a wonderful thing.

  4. January 1, 2007 at 11:02 am

    As usual, very funny, Mayberry! I just cleaned up a poop the size of a basketball yesterday from my son’s diaper. Ah, the joys of motherhood….

  5. 5 PunditMom
    January 1, 2007 at 11:29 am

    I must say, I do not miss the days of wiping a poopy butt (of a baby, that is!). For us, the “miracle” of potty training happened quickly, but not until after R. turned 3. We just had to wait for the little miss to decide SHE was ready — her schedule, not ours!

  6. January 1, 2007 at 12:36 pm

    Heh. When my first child was potty training/learning he decided to empty the contents of his little bowels into the welcoming “arms” of his Bob the Builder’s while I was in the dressing room at Macy’s. You should have heard the groans from my fellow dressing room occupants. (I should have made THEM clean his little toddler ass!)

  7. January 1, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    We had our poop-probs, but then there was the urinating in trains: “It is freight!” Either way, not a fun or sweet-smelling clean-up.

  8. January 1, 2007 at 6:12 pm

    I’m glad I inspired you! 😉

    And you are so right about potty training. It just opens up an entirely new can of sh*t, pardon my French. Plus you have to deal with public restrooms…oh the horrors!!!

  9. January 1, 2007 at 6:30 pm

    We’ve just spent the whole week potty training our 3 year old. I think no matter when you do it it’s going to be a pain. That being said, I’m so so glad we listened to our pediatrician and waited until he was 3. (Okay really I’m glad we waited until I was ready! Diapers are gross, but who wants to clean pee off of a couch?) He gave Santa his diapers, received underwear under the tree and after a few pee accidents at the beginning of the week seems so far okay. We’ll see what happens this week at preschool. I might have to give them my inflatable portable potty that I purchased during an moment of insanity!

  10. January 1, 2007 at 10:53 pm

    “…Remove old diaper, place far out of child’s reach…”

    unless it’s IN the diaper genie, no where is really far enough! Potty training? Bring it on!

  11. January 1, 2007 at 11:30 pm

    I’m not looking forward to the potty training thing. I’m just attaching one of those bags to my daughters butt – like the kind horses have.

  12. January 2, 2007 at 9:14 pm

    Ahhh. potty training. My daughter was stubborn and wouldn’t let me dictate when she was going to learn. She trained herself at 3 (a few weeks after her birthday). Then, about 6 months later she said she was done with diapers at night too.

    My son? I have no idea what I’m going to do with him.

    Fun post!


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