Pity Sex

I recently heard this term, which aptly describes my approach to "loving" of late.  The clever Heidi Raykell describes it as "Real-dolling"… Get it? Doll? Made real? 

Assuming one is at least somewhere deep down inside still a hottie mama, then what is a person to do to rekindle the desire to be a more active participant in one’s extracurr-lick-ular activities?  One of my motivations for weaning V is the hope that it might spruce up my desire.  Perhaps if I’m not handled and pulled and bitten — by my child, I might be more inclined to be handled and pulled and bitten — by my hubs.

I didn’t used to be this way.  Far from it.  I used to feel like an outlier in the world of women (during my first marriage, I even checked out a book once called "What to Do if He Has a Headache"), but now I’m apparently quite representative of the mainstream, which I absolutely despise just on principle.

There are many clever books and conversations to be had on reawakening desire.. and even some fabulous comments here at CrankMama awhile back on the topic. 

But you know how when you feel like sh*t emotionally and someone says something cheerful and hoo hoo and you just want to hit them because you don’t want to be cheered up, you want someone to fix you? 

That’s how I feel when I read and/or talk about the topic of desire-building.  To me, re-igniting passion only works if one has the proper internal kindling.. the internal kindling that I’m apparently missing right now.  I don’t want to be the purveyor of pity sex.

I want to be a priestess at the altar of LUVIN…

I want to find my inner hottie mama and invite her to stay for awhile…


16 Responses to “Pity Sex”

  1. November 6, 2006 at 11:11 am

    If it helps at all, I will tell you that once Little Guy was weaned my “desire” shot way up. Prior to that, I had very little interest. Good luck. I know you’ll get it back soon!

  2. November 6, 2006 at 11:37 am

    When you get the recipe for the inner kindling, will you share? I don’t have baby-nursing excuse. I only have my pitiful, I’m feeling old and have a six-year-old excuse! But I don’t like being tired and uninterested all the time. CM — help us find the answer!

  3. November 6, 2006 at 12:10 pm

    Changing meds & exercising worked for me. 😉

  4. November 6, 2006 at 5:20 pm

    Nursing was always a killer for my sex drive. I just couldn’t have my husband do anything to my breasts because it weirded me out too much.

    Nursing also affected me in other ways. Between that and major weight loss also made my chest deplorable and it was hard to feel sexy in that state.

    I had the girls “done” and back in top shape cured me and my drive was in high gear, but I attribute that to confidence regained.

  5. November 6, 2006 at 7:24 pm

    If you do find a cure all, be sure to post it. I just find that my sex drive and my energy level go hand in hand. When I am tired, forget it. It’s hard to find the mood when so much of life gets in the way. But, I agree with you, it is not something I want to enforce so much as I want it to happen on its own. So, that inner hottie mamma is dormant all too often. It even shocks me when she shows up, so I can only imagine how my husband feel then!

  6. November 6, 2006 at 9:40 pm

    Well since my babe is weaning despite my protests I certainly hope it will increase my libido! ( I referenced you in my latest blog post)

    My inner hottie mama comes out to play whenever I have a night out with hubby. I get all dolled up, a little drunk (isn’t that like a little pregnant?), and we stay at a local hotel that has THEME rooms. The jungle room is our favorite. I’m also taking a striptease fitness class and once I get my tummy tuck and new boobs I plan on giving my hubby the lap dance of his life.

  7. November 6, 2006 at 10:53 pm

    Speaking from experience – once the feedin’ stopped, things got much better. But I can’t say that out-loud.

  8. 8 knowingdad
    November 7, 2006 at 3:48 am


    So much to say here. I wish my hottie mama would return (even reasonably warm)…. marital celebacy isn’t worth a nickel.

  9. 9 knowingdad
    November 7, 2006 at 3:52 am


    So much to say here. I wish my hottie mama would return (even reasonably warm)…. marital celebacy isn’t worth a nickel.

  10. November 7, 2006 at 7:21 am

    I think PunditMom has it right. This can happen anytime we feel blah and tired, even to men.

  11. November 7, 2006 at 10:21 am

    Don’t you find it difficult, at times, to switch gears from Mommy to sex kitten? Of course, never having time to be alone or even have a conversation can also add to the problem! I would love to know the answer to this problem. I do agree that getting away does help! Please post when you solve this mystery!!!!!!!!

  12. November 7, 2006 at 1:28 pm

    I’ve just come through a period of “impotence” as I, probably wrongly, called it. I don’t know what happened, I just lost my libido completely.

    But it came back.

  13. November 7, 2006 at 3:17 pm

    True, I did not feel all that horny while I was nursing. Maybe once V gets off it you’re libido really will return with a vengeance.

  14. November 7, 2006 at 7:32 pm

    First – love the new digs!

    Next – nursing sex. Gack, I don’t even want to think about it. The whole carwash effect. The pretending your not skeeved out by looking down and seeing your husband taking a drink from the same place your wee innocent babe was.

    Tell him to buy you some Similac and a weekend alone and then you’ll talk.

  15. November 7, 2006 at 11:03 pm

    Well, both of my little ones didn’t spend a significant amount of time on the boob but my libido was still just as low – and still is, unfortunately. I get to feelin’ sex-goddess-like when I can look around our home and see no clutter, no dishes, and my man actually doing something crazy-productive without me having had to ask prior. Thus, I’ve been ungoddess-like for quite some time now…good luck and keep us posted!!

  16. November 14, 2006 at 8:43 am

    Hey, where was that book (What to Do When HE Has a Headache) during MY first marriage?

    I do think that things pick up a bit after the breastfeeding/weaning hormones are out of the way. There’s always that ovulation-related hormone surge, where it’s a constant tug of war between the urge to have sex and the overwhelming terror at the thought of having another baby…

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