This letter may freak you out, seeing as it?s from me – you,
whatever – in the future but there?s something you should be prepared for. You don?t know it yet, but you?re
pregnant. That?s right; you?re going to
have a baby. Now, don?t go and freak
out, it?s not like you weren?t planning for this. It?s a good thing, really, but you may want
to sit down while you?re reading this.
This pregnancy is going to send your life into a tailspin
but I figure you can handle this advance warning.
- First of all I?m sorry to tell you this, but you?re going
to be sick. Really sick. Throw out all your ideas about morning
sickness. I?ve got one word for you ?
Zofran. On the upside you won?t gain
much weight and you?ll save a fortune on maternity clothes.
- Second, don?t plan on going back to work after the baby is
born. Your bosses are going to take this
opportunity to screw you over. There
will be much stress and in the end you?re going to quit anyway. Save yourself some trouble and tell them to
take their job and shove it.
- Third, it?s not a picnic but labor and delivery are not as
bad as you think. Don?t get me wrong it?s
fairly horrible, but you?ll get through it. Get the epidural, you?ll thank me later.
You haven?t passed out yet, have you? Good. Here?s what you should know for after you?ve had the baby:
- In the beginning breastfeeding is going to suck (pardon
the pun). Stick with it. It gets better.
- No, you won?t break the baby.
- Um, you might want to do some research on Colic. Sorry.
- Don?t be afraid to ask for help and if you feel like
crying (hint, hint), dammit go ahead and cry. No, neither one will make you seem weak.
- Finally, that little girl ? Oops, you don?t know the sex
of the baby yet. Well, surprise! It?s a girl! ? is going to break your heart
into a million pieces time and again and then with one smile will put all those
pieces back together. I know you hate
roller coasters so you might want to hang on tight; it?s going to be a wild
I think that?s enough for now. Remember you?re tough, much tougher than you
think and this pregnancy and mommy thing will prove it. Since you?re so tough I think you can handle
hearing one more thing: George W. Bush is
going to be re-elected in November?s election. I know, it sucks big time, but on the upside the Red Sox are finally
going to win the World Series! No,
really, I?m serious! Would I lie to
you? Me? Whatever. I need to wrap this up
because this has gotten too confusing. Good luck, we?ll need it.
You, Me, Whatever, circa November, 2006
****This post is part of October’s Blog Exchange and was written by Mrs. Chicky****
When she?s not working on her Way Back Time Machine, Mrs.
Chicky is trying to rid herself of the tics and
twitches she acquired as a result of her now 18 month old daughter?s colic.
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