Dear Me – Circa 2004

Dear Me,

This letter may freak you out, seeing as it?s from me – you,
whatever – in the future but there?s something you should be prepared for. You don?t know it yet, but you?re
pregnant. That?s right; you?re going to
have a baby. Now, don?t go and freak
out, it?s not like you weren?t planning for this. It?s a good thing, really, but you may want
to sit down while you?re reading this.

This pregnancy is going to send your life into a tailspin
but I figure you can handle this advance warning.

  • First of all I?m sorry to tell you this, but you?re going
    to be sick. Really sick.  Throw out all your ideas about morning
    sickness. I?ve got one word for you ?
    Zofran. On the upside you won?t gain
    much weight and you?ll save a fortune on maternity clothes.
  • Second, don?t plan on going back to work after the baby is
    born. Your bosses are going to take this
    opportunity to screw you over. There
    will be much stress and in the end you?re going to quit anyway. Save yourself some trouble and tell them to
    take their job and shove it.
  • Third, it?s not a picnic but labor and delivery are not as
    bad as you think. Don?t get me wrong it?s
    fairly horrible, but you?ll get through it. Get the epidural, you?ll thank me later.

You haven?t passed out yet, have you? Good. Here?s what you should know for after you?ve had the baby: 

  • In the beginning breastfeeding is going to suck (pardon
    the pun). Stick with it. It gets better.
  • No, you won?t break the baby.
  • Um, you might want to do some research on Colic. Sorry.
  • Don?t be afraid to ask for help and if you feel like
    crying (hint, hint), dammit go ahead and cry. No, neither one will make you seem weak.
  • Finally, that little girl ? Oops, you don?t know the sex
    of the baby yet. Well, surprise! It?s a girl! ? is going to break your heart
    into a million pieces time and again and then with one smile will put all those
    pieces back together. I know you hate
    roller coasters so you might want to hang on tight; it?s going to be a wild

I think that?s enough for now. Remember you?re tough, much tougher than you
think and this pregnancy and mommy thing will prove it. Since you?re so tough I think you can handle
hearing one more thing: George W. Bush is
going to be re-elected in November?s election. I know, it sucks big time, but on the upside the Red Sox are finally
going to win the World Series! No,
really, I?m serious! Would I lie to
you? Me? Whatever. I need to wrap this up
because this has gotten too confusing. Good luck, we?ll need it.

Much love,
You, Me, Whatever, circa November, 2006


****This post is part of October’s Blog Exchange and was written by Mrs. Chicky**** 

When she?s not working on her Way Back Time Machine, Mrs.
is trying to rid herself of the tics and
twitches she acquired as a result of her now 18 month old daughter?s colic.

Looking for CrankMama? You can find her here


19 Responses to “Dear Me – Circa 2004”

  1. November 1, 2006 at 5:39 am

    That was great! I agree…Zofran is a charm! You summed up motherhood to a tee!

  2. November 1, 2006 at 6:07 am

    LOL! I have often said my life would be a lot let stressful, with much less drama if I had a little angel on my shoulder telling the outcome of some of my most anxious moments. Wouldn’t it be just the thing to know it all works out in the end. And, yes, the heads up tidbits would be grand!

  3. November 1, 2006 at 8:12 am

    how cool is that. very creative take on this.

  4. November 1, 2006 at 8:52 am

    How funny! Don’t we all wish we could do this. Kind of ala Kathleen Turner in “Peggy Sue Got Married”. Back then, if someone told me that the country could be conned again and George Bush won the election I may have nearly crapped my pants. But of coruse, that’s what I did when it really happened in Nov of 2004. I’m still in a state of extreme denial.

  5. November 1, 2006 at 9:17 am

    lovely letter and a lovely idea for exchanges, cuz ill keep coming back here too.

  6. November 1, 2006 at 9:32 am

    Niiiiice letter…excellent idea! If you could get that time machine/letter-writer-to-self thingy ready for Christmas sales…you would make a KILLING!!

    If I could do such a thing I would tell myself, “never, ever, EVER say anything critical about ANYONE’S parenting! Because Karma…well, she is going to kick your ass into next Wednesday!”

  7. November 1, 2006 at 10:04 am

    Ahhh…colic, I wish I had done that research too. Instead, it came as a shock to me that babies could get acid reflux.

    Lesson learned the hard way, once again.

  8. November 1, 2006 at 10:31 am

    Oh.My.God. You’re a freaking genius. And hilarious.
    Did I mention you are a hilarious genius.

    Well, you ARE!

  9. November 1, 2006 at 11:49 am

    Ah yes. Zofran. is. a. lifesaver. As is baby Prevacid. Who knew?

    Great post!

  10. November 1, 2006 at 12:40 pm

    If my pre-mother self read a letter that I (me, you, whatever) wrote post-childbirth, I’m pretty sure I would ignore all of it except the part that revealed the sex of the baby. Everything else I had to experience for myself in order to comprehend it in the slightest. To me that’s the essence of parenting–knowing nothing and then being forced to figure it out. But it sure is wicked funny in retrospect 🙂

  11. November 1, 2006 at 1:21 pm

    This was such a great idea! Yes, heartbreak and exhaltation on a daily basis … motherhood!

  12. 12 Binkytown
    November 1, 2006 at 2:01 pm

    I love these retro-letters to one’s self. Wouldnt it be cool to know the future? Hmmmm. scratch that, no, it wouldnt.

  13. November 1, 2006 at 2:36 pm

    Ah all the letters I could write to myself!

  14. November 1, 2006 at 2:59 pm

    Wow, now see if this were a letter to me, I’d have left out the George Bush part because it might have stopped me from procreating altogether.

  15. November 1, 2006 at 8:17 pm

    Cute idea and love your letter. I think I snorted at the suggestion to do some research about colic!

  16. November 1, 2006 at 10:54 pm

    That’a great! I wish I could write a letter and send it back in time to myself sometimes. But then again, maybe not. I like the surprise

  17. November 2, 2006 at 7:42 am

    I love this idea! Let’s pass this letter around to young girls so they’ll think twice about getting knocked up before they are ready.

  18. November 2, 2006 at 10:05 am

    Great idea for a post Mrs. Chicky as usual!!

  19. November 2, 2006 at 5:33 pm

    Colic, how I remember those days! I spent some of them sobbing in the pediatrician office as I struggled to get anyone, ANYONE, to tell me that 12 hours of successive crying was NOT normal! If it helps, it is much calmer now. However, when I was there….it DID NOT help!
    If all else fails….Lexapro works wonders! (Just a thought)

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