15
Oct
06

Phat Pants

Beauty and sexiness are in the eye of the beholder…to a point.  After that point (Age 35? 3 children?) beauty becomes a smattering of courage, determination, counting vegetable servings, and illusion.  Enter the category of garment I like to call the  JeanGirdle….

Exhibited here:
Jeangirdle

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are a lucky and blissfully unaware young and/or slim person… or you are much more spiritually evolved than I and have conquered the physical world and its smelly needs in favor of a higher plane (in which case you’re not reading this…. you’re in an ashram avoiding mirrors).

***
In other news, the blog world seems to be full of inside jokes and significant days of the week. One of those little traditions is the concept of the "meme" — and if you know what that means, please enlighten us– which is an opportunity for the blogger to talk even MORE about him/herself than usual. 

So.  You can blame her if you think this meme thing is solipsistic nonsense.  Since she’s a smartass tarty great writer and in my next life she’s going to be my bitch, I’ll oblige:

What Have You Done?

( x) Smoked a joint – once and I didn’t like it
(
) Done cocaine – Nope
( x) Been in love – abso-fuckin-lutely (credit to ‘Mr. Big’)
( x) Had a threesome – yes.  Me, him, and my fantasies and ghosts
( ) Been
dumped – No.
( ) Shoplifted  – No. I was totally straight and square until about 25.
( x) Been fired – Why, yes, and thank you for bringing up this subject
( ) Had feelings for someone who
didn’t have them back – Not that I know of.
( ) Been arrested
( x) Made out with a stranger

( x) Gone on a blind date – that’s how I met my hubs
(x ) Lied to a friend – yes, but then I confessed (long story)
(x ) Had a crush on a
teacher – yes, yes, yes, I *heart* men in authority
( ) Seen
someone die – nooooooooo
( x) Been to Europe – yes, with my first husband who was…(see below)
(x ) Been to Canada 

( )
Thrown up in a bar – No
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show – No
( ) Purposely
set a part of yourself on fire – No
( ) Been snowboarding – No, but I really want to!
( ) Met a
celebrity –
( x) Met someone from the Internet in person – my hubs
( ) Been moshing at
a concert
( ) Gone backstage at a concert
(x ) Laid outside in the grass
and watched cloud shapes go by – I love it
( x) Made a snow angel
( x) Flown a kite
(
x) Cheated while playing a game
(x ) Been lonely – of course, of course where do you think I get my edgy wit?
(x ) Fallen asleep at
work – all the time when pregs with twins
( ) Fallen asleep at school
(x ) Used a fake ID – yes and (typical me) got CAUGHT by the cops.
( ) Been kicked out
of a bar
(x) Felt an earthquake – 2001 in Seattle while in an old municipal building — ugh!!
( x) Touched a snake – no comment
( ) Read ?War and
Peace?
(x ) Slept beneath the stars – yes yes yes OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH YEEEESSSS!
( x) Been robbed
( x) Won a
contest – I always win weird contests like "Name that Stuffed Pig & It’s Yours"
( x) Run a red light – all the time
( ) Been suspended from school – I was a total straight over-achiever…
( ) Had
braces
( x) Felt like an outcast
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one
night
( x) Had deja vu
( ) Totaled a car
( ) Stolen a car
( x) Hated
the way you look – now I just look away and buy jeangirdles
( ) Witnessed a crime
(x ) Been to a strip club
( )
Been to the opposite side of the world
( ) Swam in the ocean
( ) Felt like
dying
(x ) Cried yourself to sleep – yes… many times the first year I had the twins
( ) Sung karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal
with only coins
(x ) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t – many many times…
( ) Made
prank phone calls
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( x) Been kissed
under the mistletoe
(x ) Had a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a
party
( ) Seen a tornado
( x) Had a wish come true —not telling
( x) Gone bungee
jumping — After my divorce with this super hot guy I wanted to impress… he was *so* hot..ahem… but I chickened out. Had to make it up to him in other ways…
( ) Gone parasailing
( x) Screamed in public – all the time
( ) Told a complete
stranger you loved them
( x) Had a one night stand
( ) Kissed a mirror
(
) Had a dream that you married someone
( ) Gotten your fingers stuck together
with super glue
( ) Been a cheerleader
(x ) Sat on a roof top
( )
Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
( x) Stayed up all
night – ummm… this IS a mommy blog, you know
( x) Not taken a shower for three days – see above
( ) Made contact with a ghost
while playing a Ouija board
( x) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a
time – More than 50
() Gone streaking
( x) Been skinny dipping – years ago when I looked good naked
( ) Been pushed into a
pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x ) Had sex in a public or semi-public
place – abso-fuckin-lutely
( ) Been kissed by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone
( )
Caught a butterfly
( x) Mooned/flashed someone
(x ) Had someone moon/flash
you
( ) Cheated on a test
(x ) Forgotten someone’s name – my children…every day
( x) Slept
naked – again, with the silly questions…
( ) Gone white water rafting
( x) Seen the Grand Canyon – yes.. my bachelor uncle took 10 of us young cousins on a long -trip.. which ended with him in a home.. one of the stops was the GC. We rode on mules to the bottom… most pain other than childbirth I’ve ever experienced.

*** There. I did it. You happy now?***

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10 Responses to “Phat Pants”


  1. 1 karrie
    October 15, 2006 at 7:26 am

    Sweet jeebus that was long, but informative.

    Does the jeansgirdle prevent belly spillover? All of my flab is in my apple-shaped gut, and most supportive garments make it look worse.

  2. October 15, 2006 at 9:36 am

    How can you not have been dumped? You must have extraordinary sexual skills or just be a wonderful, vivacious, super stimulating lady… or is it just numbers, and you didn’t go out with that many guys??

    I don’t like those girdles. They’re all very well when you’re standing up but when you sit down they press into your gut like a knife. I’m going the old fashioned route, 100 sit ups a day.

  3. October 15, 2006 at 9:42 am

    OK, I officially request that you tell us more about how you mooned someone! LOL

  4. October 15, 2006 at 10:14 am

    I love memes. I can’t help it. It’s a sickness. 😀

  5. October 15, 2006 at 2:42 pm

    If you were totally straight and square until 25, what happened after 25? Is that where the mooning comes in? Or was there something else?

  6. October 15, 2006 at 4:01 pm

    Karrie & CTD, I agree the meme is much too bloody loooong…

    emma & loralee – you know what I think about sit-ups AND I never have been dumped.. mainly bc I’m a good strategist & am quite risk-averse

    Paige – guess I was just making up for lost time?

    MOTR – the choice was “moon/flash” and I did the latter

  7. October 15, 2006 at 4:50 pm

    Rocky Horror Picture Show is a MUST, but not on DVD. You must have the whole theater, audience participation experience!

    And I think we need more info on the jeansgirdle! 🙂

  8. October 16, 2006 at 11:45 am

    Really you never had your fingers stuck together with super glue.

    If jeangirdle is what karrie said then I love jeangirdle but I hate mom butt. I hope I don’t have mom butt. I would never be brave enough to post a pic for opinions though.

  9. October 20, 2006 at 12:22 pm

    I have both mom-butt and mom-gut. Maybe I need one of those girdles.

    Annie


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