Phat Pants

Beauty and sexiness are in the eye of the beholder…to a point.  After that point (Age 35? 3 children?) beauty becomes a smattering of courage, determination, counting vegetable servings, and illusion.  Enter the category of garment I like to call the  JeanGirdle….

Exhibited here:

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are a lucky and blissfully unaware young and/or slim person… or you are much more spiritually evolved than I and have conquered the physical world and its smelly needs in favor of a higher plane (in which case you’re not reading this…. you’re in an ashram avoiding mirrors).

In other news, the blog world seems to be full of inside jokes and significant days of the week. One of those little traditions is the concept of the "meme" — and if you know what that means, please enlighten us– which is an opportunity for the blogger to talk even MORE about him/herself than usual. 

So.  You can blame her if you think this meme thing is solipsistic nonsense.  Since she’s a smartass tarty great writer and in my next life she’s going to be my bitch, I’ll oblige:

What Have You Done?

( x) Smoked a joint – once and I didn’t like it
) Done cocaine – Nope
( x) Been in love – abso-fuckin-lutely (credit to ‘Mr. Big’)
( x) Had a threesome – yes.  Me, him, and my fantasies and ghosts
( ) Been
dumped – No.
( ) Shoplifted  – No. I was totally straight and square until about 25.
( x) Been fired – Why, yes, and thank you for bringing up this subject
( ) Had feelings for someone who
didn’t have them back – Not that I know of.
( ) Been arrested
( x) Made out with a stranger

( x) Gone on a blind date – that’s how I met my hubs
(x ) Lied to a friend – yes, but then I confessed (long story)
(x ) Had a crush on a
teacher – yes, yes, yes, I *heart* men in authority
( ) Seen
someone die – nooooooooo
( x) Been to Europe – yes, with my first husband who was…(see below)
(x ) Been to Canada 

( )
Thrown up in a bar – No
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show – No
( ) Purposely
set a part of yourself on fire – No
( ) Been snowboarding – No, but I really want to!
( ) Met a
celebrity –
( x) Met someone from the Internet in person – my hubs
( ) Been moshing at
a concert
( ) Gone backstage at a concert
(x ) Laid outside in the grass
and watched cloud shapes go by – I love it
( x) Made a snow angel
( x) Flown a kite
x) Cheated while playing a game
(x ) Been lonely – of course, of course where do you think I get my edgy wit?
(x ) Fallen asleep at
work – all the time when pregs with twins
( ) Fallen asleep at school
(x ) Used a fake ID – yes and (typical me) got CAUGHT by the cops.
( ) Been kicked out
of a bar
(x) Felt an earthquake – 2001 in Seattle while in an old municipal building — ugh!!
( x) Touched a snake – no comment
( ) Read ?War and
(x ) Slept beneath the stars – yes yes yes OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH YEEEESSSS!
( x) Been robbed
( x) Won a
contest – I always win weird contests like "Name that Stuffed Pig & It’s Yours"
( x) Run a red light – all the time
( ) Been suspended from school – I was a total straight over-achiever…
( ) Had
( x) Felt like an outcast
( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one
( x) Had deja vu
( ) Totaled a car
( ) Stolen a car
( x) Hated
the way you look – now I just look away and buy jeangirdles
( ) Witnessed a crime
(x ) Been to a strip club
( )
Been to the opposite side of the world
( ) Swam in the ocean
( ) Felt like
(x ) Cried yourself to sleep – yes… many times the first year I had the twins
( ) Sung karaoke
( ) Paid for a meal
with only coins
(x ) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t – many many times…
( ) Made
prank phone calls
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( x) Been kissed
under the mistletoe
(x ) Had a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a
( ) Seen a tornado
( x) Had a wish come true —not telling
( x) Gone bungee
jumping — After my divorce with this super hot guy I wanted to impress… he was *so* hot..ahem… but I chickened out. Had to make it up to him in other ways…
( ) Gone parasailing
( x) Screamed in public – all the time
( ) Told a complete
stranger you loved them
( x) Had a one night stand
( ) Kissed a mirror
) Had a dream that you married someone
( ) Gotten your fingers stuck together
with super glue
( ) Been a cheerleader
(x ) Sat on a roof top
( )
Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
( x) Stayed up all
night – ummm… this IS a mommy blog, you know
( x) Not taken a shower for three days – see above
( ) Made contact with a ghost
while playing a Ouija board
( x) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a
time – More than 50
() Gone streaking
( x) Been skinny dipping – years ago when I looked good naked
( ) Been pushed into a
pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x ) Had sex in a public or semi-public
place – abso-fuckin-lutely
( ) Been kissed by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone
( )
Caught a butterfly
( x) Mooned/flashed someone
(x ) Had someone moon/flash
( ) Cheated on a test
(x ) Forgotten someone’s name – my children…every day
( x) Slept
naked – again, with the silly questions…
( ) Gone white water rafting
( x) Seen the Grand Canyon – yes.. my bachelor uncle took 10 of us young cousins on a long -trip.. which ended with him in a home.. one of the stops was the GC. We rode on mules to the bottom… most pain other than childbirth I’ve ever experienced.

*** There. I did it. You happy now?***


10 Responses to “Phat Pants”

  1. 1 karrie
    October 15, 2006 at 7:26 am

    Sweet jeebus that was long, but informative.

    Does the jeansgirdle prevent belly spillover? All of my flab is in my apple-shaped gut, and most supportive garments make it look worse.

  2. October 15, 2006 at 9:36 am

    How can you not have been dumped? You must have extraordinary sexual skills or just be a wonderful, vivacious, super stimulating lady… or is it just numbers, and you didn’t go out with that many guys??

    I don’t like those girdles. They’re all very well when you’re standing up but when you sit down they press into your gut like a knife. I’m going the old fashioned route, 100 sit ups a day.

  3. October 15, 2006 at 9:42 am

    OK, I officially request that you tell us more about how you mooned someone! LOL

  4. October 15, 2006 at 10:14 am

    I love memes. I can’t help it. It’s a sickness. 😀

  5. October 15, 2006 at 2:42 pm

    If you were totally straight and square until 25, what happened after 25? Is that where the mooning comes in? Or was there something else?

  6. October 15, 2006 at 4:01 pm

    Karrie & CTD, I agree the meme is much too bloody loooong…

    emma & loralee – you know what I think about sit-ups AND I never have been dumped.. mainly bc I’m a good strategist & am quite risk-averse

    Paige – guess I was just making up for lost time?

    MOTR – the choice was “moon/flash” and I did the latter

  7. October 15, 2006 at 4:50 pm

    Rocky Horror Picture Show is a MUST, but not on DVD. You must have the whole theater, audience participation experience!

    And I think we need more info on the jeansgirdle! 🙂

  8. October 16, 2006 at 11:45 am

    Really you never had your fingers stuck together with super glue.

    If jeangirdle is what karrie said then I love jeangirdle but I hate mom butt. I hope I don’t have mom butt. I would never be brave enough to post a pic for opinions though.

  9. October 20, 2006 at 12:22 pm

    I have both mom-butt and mom-gut. Maybe I need one of those girdles.


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